Paul Mecurio

Let me start by saying personally, I enjoy global warming. It's hot, controversial, it's in a movie - it's the Jenna Jameson of environmental catastrophes.

Scientists say global warming will hurt the food supply. I don't see how - all our food will be pre-cooked. We'll pick baked apples off the tree; live turkeys will baste in their own juices. Things will be grilled right ON George Foreman.

Everybody's worried about Antarctica melting. Hey, places change. Stop Whinin'!! Where I'm from in New York City they got rid of all the whack-off booths and replaced them with Disney musicals.

I dealt with it. Hello Mary Poppins goodbye Cherries Poppin.

Now, while global warming doesn't bother me, it bothers a lot of other people. So I‘m going to re-make the image of the anti-Global Warming campaign. Because it's not working.

In our society being cool is everything. To get more people on board with the green movement, we need to re-package it ... to make it less crunchy and more hip.

Like ethanol-nothing sexy about that. But Ethanol is alcohol and like other alcohol it should be marketed to teenagers.

Create cars for today's young, hip ethanol consumer. Like the Ford Lohan, a car that runs on as much alcohol as she does.

Or the Toyota Nicole Richie. If you fill it with the wrong fuel, you stick two fingers down the tank and it comes right back up.

Look, Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" is a great film. But it's rated G. To attract a wider audience we need an edgier edition, we'll call it, "An Inconvenient Truth: The Unrated Version."

It would show a long, throbbing peninsula of the Antarctic shelf plunging into the gaping, wet Antarctic Ocean.

Plus, deleted scenes like Al telling us to save water by showering with a friend, as we cut to the Vice President soaping up Jessica Biel and Jessica Simpson. Wow, my globe is warming just picturing it!

Another reason the green movement isn't working is it's too elitist.

Joe Six Pack, and his wife, Mrs. Six Pack, don't want to hear Sheryl Crow telling them to use one square of toilet paper while she wipes herself with the hands of a small Bolivian houseboy.

I do give Sheryl credit though. She's an authority on getting a lot of crap on a single piece of paper. I know ... I've read her lyrics.

Rich people are the ones telling us to conserve, meanwhile they're flying around in private jets. Some have suggested jet-pooling, yeah ... like that's gonna happen! A plane full of self-righteous, rich bastards sitting next to each other, you know what that's called ... first class.

How about a hybrid private jet ... half rich, half non-scumbag.

There's also Al Gore's "Live Earth" concerts. Seven concerts on seven continents, all brought to a grinding halt when Gore starts droning on about the change in the Gulf Stream current.

One day of Duran Duran, Crowded House and Kelly Clarkson will save me from wondering what the worst line-up in music history would sound like ... but it's not enough to save our planet.

SUV's are a big contributor to global warming. Guys buy SUV's, so to get them to care about the environment and stop buying these gas-guzzlers, you have to hit guys where they live, where they spend most of their time: watching Internet porn. You need to work Global Warming into porn scenes.

We'll call it eco-porn.

Where Ron Jeremy says "Hey, check out the melanomas on that girl!"

Where thanks to the hot sun, everybody gets golden showers.

And where the money shot is a squirt of sunscreen.

Next, the name "Global Warming" is a problem. It's not alarming enough. When I hear "Global Warming," I picture the earth curled up on the sofa, under a cozy afghan, sipping herbal tea and watching Lifetime Television.

And the Bush administration is no help! They minimize the problem by calling it "climate change." That sounds like the color my wife wanted to paint the bedroom, "Ya' know, I was thinking of hazy lilac but climate change goes much better with the duvee."

Global Warming, you need a name that will really strike fear into people, like -

Weather Jihad,

Look Ma No Land,

It's Not the Heat It's the Humanity,

or Scariest of all ... Cheney '08.

But perhaps the best way to fix global warming is to come up with a better option than gasoline. Here's a thought. Let's make a car that's fueled by HATE.

Unlike oil, America's natural anger reserves will never run out.

Think about it. Gas stations would be replaced by hate stations. Imagine pulling into an Exxon-Anger and saying to the attendant ...

"Can I have half a tank of how ugly my kids are ..."

"... and can you top me off by calling me a stupid, ugly, guinea bastard ..."

" ... Actually, you know what buddy, I'm in kind of a hurry, just give me $6 of how you nailed my mother and my sister."

So these are just some of my solutions to make the anti-Global Warming campaign really catch on. Maybe you have some suggestions yourself. I'd love to hear them. E-mail them to me at my website paulmecurio.com and we'll post them on my site. Talk to you soon.

- Paul