Paul Mecurio

So the Vatican has updated the seven deadly sins for the first time in 1,500 years. The original or "classic" sins as I like to call them include Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Sloth, Wrath, and my all time favorite, Greed. All of which I like to call Tuesday before lunch.

I live in New York City and I can't get to my corner without stuffing my face with pizza, lusting after a pretty girl, getting angry at a cab driver, wishing I had an iPhone like all my friends and trying to hoard enough money to pay my rent.

And I'm an American citizen. Being slothful is a God given right. If God didn't want us to be slothful he never would have invented delivery guys, flat screen TV's and porn.

The new sins include: polluting, genetic engineering, obscene riches, taking drugs, abortion, pedophilia and causing social injustice. I know what you're thinking these seem pretty hard for the average guy to break. But just the other day I was throwing chemical waste out of my window after I did an experiment trying to mix the DNA of a ferret and a baby that I had aborted the night before while I was exploiting my under paid house boy from the Philippines. But at least I didn't have sex with a minor. I leave that to the experts. There's a reason we call them Cardinal sins. See you in hell!